The Government has urged anyone looting flooded properties to wear the ‘traditional burglar’s uniform’ of a black and white stripy jumper, eye mask, and flat cap, in order to help local people measure the depth of the floodwaters.
‘We know things are bad but we’re losing track of how bad,’ said justice minister Simon Hughes. ‘So we’re calling for looters to put a little bit back into the community by following our apparel guidelines. That way when they get caught, we can nail the bastards to the pavements of flooded streets, where they’ll make great markers to show the rise and fall of flood water. We’re also going to confiscate their swag sacks and reuse them as sandbags.’ The Prime Minister supported the initiative, saying ‘money was no object’ when it came to providing nails.
Whilst public support for the measures has been strong, the EU has reacted with outrage, calling them “A clear breach of international measuring standards”. Suggesting it would be impossible to make more than “arbitrary inferences of water levels,” because of the variations in stripe thickness, and the propensity of wool to shrink when wet.
The government said it will press ahead regardless, and also suggested they might use escaped convicts from the 1950’s as emergency signposts.