Opposition MPs were celebrating this week as they voted overwhelming to replace President Viktor Yanukovych with an upright model; which offers ‘transparency’, ‘cleanness’ and ‘something less fiddly’. Also, unlike Ukrainian democracy, the Dyson comes with a ‘five year guarantee’.
Earlier Ukraine’s army released a statement saying it would not get ‘involved in domestic conflict, tidying or hoovering’. In turn, this has meant a build up of ‘corruption’, ‘intimidation’ and ‘dust’ in hard to reach places. By contrast the Dyson’s ‘hose and wand release’ promises to ‘clean high up’, even at ‘cabinet level’.
While President Yanukovych described events as a ‘coup’, he was the first to admit he had never ‘lifted a finger’ to keep his official residence tidy. When police stopped their traditional ‘spring clean’ of protesters, Mr. Yanukovych fled to the Russian border, armed with a solitary feather duster. Whereas the Dyson’s new ball action promises an end to this ‘awkward back and forth’ between left and right wing politics.
Prominent opposition leader Yulia Tymoshenko was released from detention, in the sexist hope that ‘a woman would know’ how to operate the new appliance. A spokesman for the opposition commented: ‘Those who have died in last week’s crackdown did not die in vain…the Dyson is made from the same polycarbonate ABS as the riot shields, crash helmets and boots they were trampled under’.