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Countryside Alliance furious at ban on badger fisting

NewsBiscuitMembers of the Countryside Alliance were in uproar today following the news that the ancient tradition of badger fisting is to be made illegal in England and Wales. The ban comes into effect immediately, following the passing of the Badgers (Manual Penetration) Act 2008 which makes it an offence to knowingly fist or assist in the fisting of a badger.

The little known country pursuit apparently dates back to the 13th century, when hungry peasants would thrust their arms deep into badger setts to retrieve tender young badger cubs for the table. Over the centuries the traditional of fisting badgers evolved from this seasonal hunt, and for many years in late March and early April, country folk have paraded through hamlet and village with live adult badgers impaled upon each arm, all the the while singing the traditional folk ballad ‘Oh brock, thy sphincter squeeze me so, but my true heart lies with Mary-o’.

Mary, portrayed by a golden-haired girl of 12 years is carried through the streets in a wicker cage of badger form. The celebrations continue throughout the day, with the climax at sunset, when the badgers are allowed to hobble back to their setts and families. Lilting voices carry the final strains of the traditional Badger Song across the air ‘Oh merry beast of twilit earth, who joy brings to our land e-oh, Go now in peace and joy and love, while I go wash my hand e-oh.’

DEFRA spokesman, James Prindle who confirmed that the ban will be strictly enforced, said that the tradition was barbaric and should have been stopped years ago. ‘These aren’t the Dark Ages. Why should innocent badgers be penetrated in this way? It’s not what a modern civilised people should be doing.

The Countryside Alliance has planned a rally in Hyde Park next week to protest against the blatant destruction of historic rural traditions. ‘Fisting badgers is part of the way of life in the English countryside’ said an angry Jethro Finnegan from Shropshire, ‘City folk have no understanding of rural ways. Next they’ll be saying we’re not allowed to fellate the otter.’

26th February 2009

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Posted: Feb 26th, 2014 by wallster

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