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Kim Jong-un single-handedly saves planet from rogue asteroid

no other person on the planet could have pulled it offThe reason for North Korea’s nuclear test earlier this week became clear today as state television in Pyongyang announced that Dear Leader Kim Jong-un had personally used the weapons to deflect an asteroid which, contrary to vicious Western propaganda, would otherwise have hit the Earth.

Kim was shown in the bulletin sitting astride the proud People’s Democratic ballistic missile carrying the new warhead, lighting the fuse with the end of his cigarette and launching himself into space with a cheery wave to destroy the earth-threatening asteroid 2012 DA14 and so preventing the end of mankind.

Kim was accompanied by his hot wife, her sister and a couple of sexy friends who worked in harmony, the newsreader said, to tackle the greatest threat ever to the security of the people of the earth. All this without space suits and with special haircuts commemorating the Apollo landings and highlighting all that was ever good in North Korea.

On reaching the rogue asteroid, Kim lit the fuse of the lightest yet most powerful nuclear device his country has ever made with the end of his hospital-approved cigarette, deflected the space rock to a safe trajectory, then rode the shockwave home exceeding even Felix Baumgartner’s record for the fastest speed ever attained by a Supreme idiot leader in freefall.

Even the most hardened sceptics were placated by news that the mission had been monitored for veracity by a small monkey with earth-orbit experience sent first-class from Iran. ‘It seems we’ve misjudged the intentions of North Korea, and on this compelling evidence we must thank him for saving the world,’ said President Obama, signing the order awarding Kim Jong-un the Congressional medal of Honour, and cancelling all sanctions with immediate effect.

The Russians expressed astonishment at Kim’s achievement, and even more that the nuclear technology they supplied 60 years ago still worked, but the Chinese were even more emotional. Watching events on a time-delayed public screen in Tiananmen Square, the tearful Chinese Foreign Minister Yang Jiechi who secretly funded the mission, said through a translator; ‘He’s the best neighbour anyone could wish for.’ He then hugged Chinese premier elect, Xi Jinping who added ecstatically; ‘Nice one, Un.’

‘Because of the heroic actions of the Dear Leader we’re happy, the Americans are happy, everyone’s happy, and peace will prevail,’ Xi added. ‘Now, about that proxy war we’re just about to start with Japan…’

16th February 2013

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Posted: Mar 1st, 2014 by NewsBiscuit

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