Police reopen King Harold murder investigation


The seaside town of Hastings is in uproar today as the police reopen the King Harold killing investigation once again. Posters have been erected on billboards all around the town appealing for witnesses to the murder over one thousand years ago.

‘It’s a waste of public money,’ said one resident, pointing out that every time the authorities rake over the ashes of the Troubles there are problems, such as reduced tourist traffic from France.

The Police Commissioner is unrepentant about reopening the enquiry, though. He pointed to the original report on the killing, the Bayeux Tapestry, and noted that as evidence it was a bit thin. ‘It’s worn at the edges, too,’ he said. Supporters of the enquiry have said all along that the tapestry report ‘was a stitch up’ and as it was conducted by the French it is considered to have been tainted evidence.

‘We are pursuing a number of lines of enquiry,’ the Commissioner stated, ‘and several men of French origin are wanted for questioning. We are particularly keen to interview a man with a French accent, about five foot four, clean shaven and last seen wielding a long bow. He is dark haired, tends to wear chain mail is about one thousand and seventy years old, answers to the name of François. On no account should he be approached by members of the public, but his movements should be reported to the nearest police station.’

The Commissioner added ‘This is a particularly difficult investigation due to the timescales involved. How are we supposed to fabricate authentic evidence, create fake witness reports and intimidate anyone who knows that we were really to blame more than a thousand years after the event. Not that we were to blame of course… Whoops.’


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Posted: Mar 2nd, 2014 by

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