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MOD planning ‘massive exercise’ north of Hadrian’s Wall

Och aye, the newsThe Ministry of Defence is said to be drawing up plans to ‘stabilise’ Scotland in time for this year’s referendum.  Leaked official documents have outlined a novel plan to send ‘lots of armed goodwill’ over the border, initially into friendly territory.

A squadron of the RAF regiment, two platoons of territorials, three linguists and a dog handler from Essex are currently en-route to Carlisle in a fleet of minibuses.  Meanwhile, members of the Royal Irish Regiment are said to be catching the evening Stranraer ferry, thus enacting an elegant ‘pincer movement’.

Rumours are unconfirmed that the SAS have stalled plans for ‘black ops’ against Jock Jihadists on the grounds that, as with the Taliban, UK special forces trained most of them in the first place, so current tactics could well be compromised.  The leaked documents also show that an earlier plan to subjugate the local population with ‘arsenic-laced firewater’ was scrapped when it was discovered that it was already a popular chaser in most of Glasgow’s nightclubs.

Exercise ‘Mars Attacks’ is scoped as a test of expeditionary operations in denied areas, where infrastructure is poor.  Troops are also tasked with testing their ‘peacekeeping skills’ in difficult urban terrain, such as Paisley.  Experts in cultural sensitivity have been drafted in to ‘win hearts and minds’, and have so far recommended that the indigenous people should retain a ready supply of beige food and exceptionally strong lager.  It has also been suggested that the exercise should never be referred to by its original cover name, ‘Operation Southern Overlord’.

Plans are a little uncertain as to which ground to occupy in the first instance. Intelligence analysts confirmed that the majority of Scotland appears to be empty, though they haven’t yet checked the pubs.

Squudge. Hat-tips to Al OPecia and Ironduke

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Posted: Mar 3rd, 2014 by Guest

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