A cockroach took the stand today to give evidence in the trial of South African athlete Oscar Pistorius. The roach told a hushed courtroom how it lay cowering on the floor under a restaurant table while the defendant wielded a loaded gun, before firing a shot that narrowly missed the insect’s body but took off both of its rear legs.
The shooting left the insect unable to scurry, and it had to be helped on and off the stand, clinging to a small portion of left-over lasagne from the court restaurant. ‘It was quite a normal evening, I’d been out shopping to get what I could for myself and my family’, explained the roach.
‘Then I arrived at that fateful table. I did a quick count of feet and realised I was probably under Pistorius’s table. I was quite excited as I’d been a massive Pistorius fan most of my life – like over three months, even though he accidentally squashed two of my mates with his blades a week previous’.
‘But on this occasion it looked like he was taking deliberate aim. I scurried left and right before hearing a huge explosion, then there was a hole in the lino and a smell of cordite and two of my legs were missing’.
He concluded: ‘Which is a bit ironic given the circumstances’.