While the world holds its breath and hopes that the current stand-off between Russia and Ukraine does not lead a wider regional conflict or even a second Cold War, the Illuminati are cackling with glee as their plans for world domination through manipulation of the London property market fall quietly into place.
‘We were getting fed up with being unable to take over the world politically, despite assassinating the Kennedys, orchestrating both Iraq wars and foiling Nadine Dorries’ attempt to win I’m A Celebrity, so we decided to strike economically instead,’ explained Grand Master Hermann von Rosencrantz. ‘I changed my name to Graham Saunders, went to work for Foxtons in Shoreditch and bided my time.’
The crisis over Crimea is now expected to lead to hundreds of Russian and Ukrainian oligarchs seeking a safe refuge for their billions in the inflated London property market, which might otherwise have been expected to cool down. ‘We calculate that through commission on sales alone we will garner enough to buy all the hidden Nazi gold in Switzerland and/or access to the documents that prove us to be lineal descendants of Jesus Christ who will rule the world,’ said Von Rosencrantz.
Despite being suppressed by the Duke of Bavaria in 1785, the Illuminati have remained in positions of power ever since, working towards a sinister New World Order that can only be stopped by David Icke doing ten-hour speeches in a shell suit and lots of American men without girlfriends insulting them on Facebook. However, their sheer number – five – and the way they have insinuated themselves into key positions to exploit the crisis in Ukraine means that this time there may be no stopping them.
‘The fools never suspected that we would be posing in such obscure positions,’ said another Illuminatus, Ludwig Hartburg Von Kempfenburg, who has assumed the identity of quiet living Istanbul-based sunflower oil merchant Kemal Erdogan. ‘When the conflict leads the edible oil market to seek alternative sources of supply in Turkey, I alone will have the resources to take over the whole Middle East and found a new Jerusalem of free-thinkers – MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Failing that, I’ve always quite fancied an Alfa Romeo.’