Frustrated males shamed into embracing a healthy regime have been outraged to discover that starchy, tuberous crops are not the route to a six-pack, female approval and eternal life as had been previously suggested. In fact, recent health reports classify the humble potato’s nutritional value as being on par with ‘asbestos’, ‘plutonium’ and ‘licking the underside of Eric Pickles.’
‘Tubby gents’ feel naturally aggrieved that someone appears to be ‘moving the goal posts’ in terms of dieting expectations. A spokesman for rotund males admitted: ‘I know we could lose a few pounds but what can we eat? We are told no fats, no proteins and now the spud. I’m genuinely confused. It grows in the ground, right? What is it then, some kind of meat? If it’s a meat, it should probably taste better’. Many claim to have been tricked into New Year or Lent based abstinence on the understanding that ‘chips were still fair game’.
Fears are now rising that watching Sky Sports live may not be the equivalent of ‘three hours of gym exercise’ as the brochure had claimed. Equally so, sucking a polo mint after dinner is understood to be ‘no substitute’ for actually brushing your teeth. One wannabe slimmer complained: ‘Now I’m told that eating fruit is cheating – they don’t really count towards a healthy diet. Only blueberries. Bloody blueberries! I’d have to eat ten punnets, just to take the edge off my appetite. First it was five-a-day, now it’s ten. Ten! I can’t even name ten vegetables, let alone fit them into the same sandwich’.
Given its lack of purpose in a healthy diet, many have started to address the question of ‘what use is the potato?’ Even entrepreneurs have confessed to difficulty rebranding the ex-vegetable as an ‘uncomfortable but effective contraceptive device’, a ‘renewable pet’ or a ‘barely adequate’ wind chime. This also means that men are now left with unpalatable future of a broccoli three times a day, clockwork bowel movements and the belief that Dr. Christian Jessen was behind the Irish famine.