Overcrowding on a London Midland service to Crewe from London Euston earlier today reached a critical point when the densely packed passengers fused together to create dark matter and the beginnings of a black hole.
Problems began when a 12.20 service was cancelled because of staff shortages. The subsequent 12.46 was cancelled because the guard was ‘looking funny’ at the driver. The following service at 13.15 was cancelled because the train manager had thrown a strop over the consistency of his chips and eggy bread and had been sent to his room to ‘have a good long think’.
Finally, the 13.50 was seriously delayed because of a used wet-wipe on the line at Berkhamsted which Railtrack staff declined to touch because it was ‘all icky’. When passengers were finally allowed to board, however, the overcrowding was so dense that by the time it got to Watford, the passengers in Car C had formed a rudimentary hunter-gatherer society.
‘Car D formed their own religion with a theistic structure based on human sacrifice and worship of a graven image of Kerry Katona on the front page of Metro,’ said passenger Jean Hepple from Stafford. ‘The four of us in first class compartment formed a string quartet and played Abide With Me while the passengers from the rest of the train hammered on the doors and brandished their flaming torches.’
In Car B, however, overcrowding was so severe that the molecules of the passengers fused together to create a dense mass of dark matter bending light and time itself to such an extent that passengers waiting on the platform at Rugby were sucked in to the mini-event horizon now occupying the coach. This might have caused the universe to implode had the train not come into close proximity with an even more densely crowded Virgin Trains service at Tamworth.
A complete Earth Extinction Event was then narrowly averted by the strong downward wave frequency of the accents of the West Midlands passengers boarding for connections at Coventry. The dense cloud of dark matter from the remaining passengers left the train at Stoke-on-Trent, where it has absorbed the ticket office, a Costa coffee a Tesco Extra and a small but surprised group of Port Vale supporters.