Heaven is staging a series of 24-hour stoppages after new arrival Bob Crow balloted angels over terms and conditions. Crow, who turned up two days behind schedule after his coffin was sent on a replacement bus service, is furious that the vast majority of supernatural entities are on zero-hour contracts and can be cast into the fiery pit with little notice and no right of appeal.
The Lord has admitted that he could be facing the biggest rebellion since the fallen angel formerly known as Satan tried to tempt St Bartholomew with a copy of Razzle. Among the heaven employee grievances are plans to downsize certain clouds in order to cut costs and replace the heavenly choir with cheap foreign labour.
‘Nowhere is safe from the cuts imposed by those shitehawks in Whitehall. Even I’m having to make savings,’ admitted the Almighty. ‘Bob Crow claims that by downsizing clouds, I’m putting his members’ lives at risk. He neglects to mention that they’re already dead.’
Crow has vowed to bring about a cherub strike next Tuesday if his demands for ‘increased floating about time’ are not met, adding that he is determined to make the process of being dead fairer for all. Conservatives, however, have backed God’s money-saving measures, insisting that a Holy Trinity consisting of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost represents a serious case of over-manning.
As of this morning, a picket line is in place across the pearly gates, with newly-departed souls advised to show their support by waiting around in limbo. ACAS said they were not optimistic about a speedy resolution to the conflict, which, a spokesman said, ‘could go on for all eternity’.
Back on Earth, destitute families are hoping to be allocated Crow’s old council house. ‘Normally these houses are reserved for salt of the earth individuals earning in excess of 150 K, but maybe we’ll get a crack now,’ said one homeless couple. ‘It’s either sleep on the street or bunk down in a tube train at the moment, but frankly those trains are filthy and so unreliable.’
A union effort: Gary Stanton with contributions from Qoxivii and Throngsman, hat tip to Madjez. RIP.