The documents leaked by Edward Snowden have yielded what may be their most shocking revelation yet: plans to infect millions of computers with malware to prevent them from working properly. This was devised by the NSA in consultation with a shady billionaire, unofficially named as ‘Bill Gates’, who had close links to many different arms of the US government.
Because Microsoft Windows causes intermittent crashing and losing people’s work, it is claimed in the documents, terrorists will be unable to make videos of their impending martyrdom. By refusing to print reliably, they will not even be able to print out flyers calling on people to ‘rise up against the Western oppressors’.
‘This project has already been successfully used to bring the Iranian nuclear enrichment programme to its knees, along with most Western businesses,’ said a government source, who asked not to be named. ‘There is literally no corner of the world that has not been infected. We believe it is the most successful computer malware of all time.’
Three versions of the malware have been released. Windows Vista was the initial version, but unable to successfully install itself. Windows Seven was broadly installed, preventing foreign governments from even sending emails reliably.
The latest release Windows 8 is slowly infecting PCs and even some tablets. It contains sensors to detect when a user is urgently typing emails and triggers a special attack, Windows Update, where the user is held up for hours watching a screen showing text such as ‘Now loading update 5 of 17,213′.
In order to control the malware better, another NSA project was written to propagate new instructions to the infected machines every week. This project, labelled Adobe Flash Updates, has already proven very successful. Many potential terrorists have reportedly given up their nefarious plans and returned to organic farming.