Bank of England to open branch on every high street

Mark Carney to personally shake hands with every new customer

A budget which promised help for savers, free access to pension funds to lend to the government through new bonds, and tax-free savings up to £15,000 in an ISA failed to explain the whole picture, analysts have revealed.

Secretly hidden among all the fiscal jargon right at the back of the appendices, the infrastructure plan to deliver the new services was uncovered – a network of branches on every High Street signalling that the Bank of England has, frankly, given up on getting any sense out of the ‘big four’ banks, and has gone into competition against them.

‘OK I admit it,’ said chief secretary to the treasury, Danny Alexander. ‘Banks: ‘will you please lend more money!’ we asked. No, they replied . What if we give you the money to lend to people – we’re talking billions, we said. OK that would be good, they assured us. So we printed lots of new money and gave it to them. And then they kept it, and handed it out to themselves as bonuses. Honestly, is that any way to run a finance business?’

The new policies announced in the budget will ‘cut out the middle man’, the government insists, allow pensioners to wrest their hard earned savings from the hands of unscrupulous financial professionals, and then piss it all away on a series of cruises before returning just in time to get the government to pay for their residential care. ‘It’s a rather good idea’, said flirty pensioner, Albert Pickles (no relation).

‘They’re taking away people’s livelihoods, how on earth am I going to feed my habits,’ said the insurance industry as it watched its shares plummet, but the government refused to budge, thanked the industry for its feedback and looked into selling insurance as well through its new branches as a lucrative spin-off product.

However, the ‘right to advice’ policy announced in the Chancellor’s speech has already attracted criticism after one of the first advisors was caught promoting investment products from a company who had offered him valuable perks to do so. ‘We can’t have this sort of thing carrying on, it’s not the way money products work. Trust me on this, I’m chief secretary to the Treasury,’ insisted Mr Alexander. ‘Yes, really, I am. I can’t believe it either.’

‘We could deal with these issues on a one to one basis, and sort it out with a little chat and threats of inconsequential litigation,’ he added after he’d regained his composure. ‘But in this case it was clear that advice was given on tax evasion which is completely against the rules, and we’ll be cracking down hard. There’s an enormous amount of revenue at stake. We simply can’t have these people offering cut price cigarettes, round the back, with no questions asked. Mark my words, there’ll be hell to pay for that.’

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Posted: Mar 19th, 2014 by

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