The US state of Alaska, which was formerly owned by Russia, has confirmed that there are no remaining Russian speakers within the territory and if there do turn out to be a handful of them they ‘certainly don’t need protecting by Mr Putin, thank you very much’.
‘Since the Russian media has been whipping up Anti-American fervour it’s only proper that we address this issue before it can get out of hand,’ said Alaska’s state governor Mead Treadwell. ‘There’s a lot of oil and gas here, just like in Crimea, but there is absolutely no pretext for any men to turn up without insignia looking to protect their fellow countrymen and reclaim what used to be theirs.’
‘And don’t think we’d fall for that ‘endangered Siberian wolf’ crap either,’ he added.
Despite the governor’s assurances, the situation across the Bering strait remains tense and he is being careful to avoid any provocation of Russian forces. ‘If Sarah Palin can see them, then they can see her, and she’s gonna have to stop making those Hockey Mom hand gestures at them,’ he said. ‘I think it’s best if she goes on vacation today, Alabama perhaps, or better still…, yeah, Sevastopol.’