In a move which is sure to be welcomed by ‘hard working families’ and ‘lovable northerners’, the Government has announced that whippets, pipes, pints of mild and dolly tubs are all to be zero-rated for VAT.
“We really do care about the hard-working, salt of the earth, decent folk” said Chancellor George Osborne, from atop his horse, Gladstone. “I know how important whippets and beer can be – when I was at school I had a boy from the village who came in to clean my shoes, and he simply loved his whippet. He probably had a kestrel as well, but I can’t be certain, so no tax cut there, I’m afraid.”
“We’re making bingo more affordable, and we’re looking very closely at shell-suits. What more can we do? There will always be those who complain there’s not enough coal in their baths, or they can’t afford linoleum or something. Well, there’s nothing holding them back now!’
“It’s been a jolly good day,” he added, as rumours circulated that the next budget might even knock a couple of quid off the cost of pebble-dashing.