News that the list of 21 prominent Russians and Ukrainians to have their Western assets frozen in response to Russia’s blatant seizure of Crimea does not include Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich have been greeted with incredulity by some of the 60 million or so Britons who really hate Chelsea.
‘It doesn’t sound logical, given that Abramovich made his billions by political connections and has always been a firm Russian nationalist and friend of Putin,’ said Matt Pearse, 32, from East London. ‘Plus I’d just piss myself to see them going back to playing Burnley in front of crowds of fewer than 10,000.’
Chelsea’s players said that, if implemented thoroughly, such a move might have surprising results. Eden Hazard said: ‘I’d probably play even better if they froze John Terry’s assets and I didn’t have to keep checking where my wife is whenever he’s off training.’
Meanwhile, the individuals who have already had their assets frozen have confirmed that they are busy at work embezzling some more.