The use of pioneering new quantum goal-line technology developed by the Schrödinger Research Institute in Berlin, which was intended to be the most accurate ever, has resulted in a near infinite level of confusion in the German amateur league where it is being trialled.
Following a local derby between Wiesbaden and Mainz in which the score was deemed to be both 784,589,358,894 to 8,099,233,345 and 0-0 at the same time, as well as every single possible combination of scores in-between, the league table has assumed a quantum critical mass and can now only be properly interpreted by research physicists from CERN, who have been drafted in to replace the elderly gentleman from Munich, Gunther, who’s been working out the tables for the last thirty-five years.
Despite the criticism, which has included death threats from local players, fans and bookmakers who have lost a fortune on bets after every player on each team was deemed to have simultaneously scored first, last and kept a clean sheet, the Schrödinger Research Institute has maintained that the technology is working perfectly and that the flaw lies in the inability of humans to properly perceive reality on a multi-dimensional quantum basis.
“Sure, these people are angry at the moment,” said Professor Walter Frentzen, from the Institute, “but the potential that this machine has to benefit mankind is almost unimaginable. With this breakthrough in technology, we can peer into the unfathomable mysteries of the space/time continuum, unlock the secrets of the universe, bring us all into a more harmonious understanding with the ways and wonders of the infinite, and easily tell if someone was offside.”
Although the technology is a long way off ever being introduced in the Premier League, Fulham have expressed a keen interest in it being installed immediately in an attempt to ease their relegation woes. However, even with a potentially infinite number of combinations of goals and match wins available if the technology were to be introduced, Fulham supporters remain very much of the opinion that they are still highly unlikely to score again before the end of the current season.