“The perceived risk of being gratuitously slaughtered or coming across the shockingly mutilated and decomposing body of an innocent, partially-clad young woman who dies under mysterious circumstances is hitting us hard,” said Denmark’s tourism supremo Mike Smot at a press conference promoting ‘Murder Free’ holidays. “That sort of thing can really ruin a vacation and the insurance people simply refuse to provide extra cover for it.”
Denmark’s ‘pork, pastries and pornography’ image has been badly damaged by its TV schedule where 95% of its output features brooding landscapes, exotic woollen upperware in intriguing patterns, and death, the figures suggest.
Research commissioned by Scandinavian Travel show that many aboard the Malmo to Trondheim ferry fear that a tiny, Sandi Toksvig-like character in a red hooded coat could run amok a with Danish carving set at any time.
One focus group member in London has mysteriously disappeared after allegedly murdering another focus group member during a session arguing about whether Norway has ‘crossed out O’s’. Meanwhile BBC 1’s Holiday Show would neither confirm nor deny suspicions of foul play after the disappearance of Angela Rippon while filming near Reykjavik until DNA swabs from Ben Fogle and Kenneth Branagh come back from the lab.
Tourists have taken to Trip Advisor to confess that although they have occasionally felt like murdering their children and spouses on holidays in Italy or Spain, the urges have become much more extreme on Scandinavian trips. “On our second day in Oslo, I went as far as buying a firearm. I didn’t use it, but was comforted by guidance from Norwegian TV that in this part of the world, it’s extraordinary how quickly four-year-olds recover from serious gunshot wounds,” posted one mother on the travel site.
Another post added: “Being on the run in rural Sweden isn’t so bad, despite being chased by bearded, thoughtful-looking detectives with chaotic personal lives and battered classic Saabs. Look out for sub-arctic bed and breakfasts who do special rates for fugitive alleged killers who are struggling to maintain their innocence. Many feature red herrings, as a lunchtime special, and a plot device rolled into one.”