Missing man found ‘alive and frightened’ in John Lewis

A man who has been missing since Christmas Eve has finally been found, bewildered and disorientated, in a John Lewis department store in Edinburgh.

Roger Bould had gone to do some last minute Christmas shopping but was only discovered yesterday in the toy department after a 5 year old girl heard gentle sobbing coming from inside a Wendy house.

‘I popped into the shop on Christmas Eve to buy my wife a nice body lotion that she is fond of,’ the 52 year old Chartered Surveyor told a press conference today. ‘I paid for the gift and then lost my bearings trying to find the way out, I don’t remember too much after that, there were a lot of escalators and at one point I remember seeing an exit but I took my eye off it for a second and it was gone like a mirage in the desert.’

Utterly exasperated by the time of the Boxing Day sales it is thought Mr Bould had some kind of breakdown and retreated to the Wendy house, surviving by scavenging macadamia nuts and leftover scraps from the café after closing time. ‘I went feral,’ he told reporters, ‘or whatever the the middle-class equivalent of that is.’

Police have now reopened several missing person files involving middle-aged, middle-class men and are carrying out searches of John Lewis stores across the country. Mr Bould’s wife is glad to have her husband back and joked that the body lotion he’d bought was the wrong kind anyway, at which point Mr Bould broke down in tears and shouted ‘don’t make me go back there’.


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Posted: Mar 24th, 2014 by

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