Sam Laidlaw, head of energy giant Centrica, has claimed that ‘the lights will go out’ if he is caused any personal discomfort whatsoever.
Having initially claimed that there would be energy shortages if a cap was put on energy prices or pitiful competition conditions were investigated, Laidlaw has said that if he is ‘jostled in the street, poked in the belly or ridiculed by small children for looking a bit like Rupert Murdoch, except with no chin, all electric supplies will fail, the world will descend into chaos as people fight over what few remaining resources there are and an apocalyptic, Max-Max 2 style scenario will probably ensue. So don’t touch me’.
When asked at a press conference for his reasons for such an claim, he responded ‘Well, obviously, if the markets were to get wind of my own personal discomfort, there would likely be concern about my ability to run a successful and thriving business, so share prices would fall and investment will suffer, leading to the breakdown of society as we know it. The entire energy infrastructure is dependent on me being cosseted, and if it doesn’t happen then, believe me, you’ll be royally screwed’.
The government have responded by withdrawing calls for an enquiry, and have instead gifted him with a golden stick with which to beat off poor people, lest they get too close to him. Said a spokesman, ‘We feel it’s our duty. We’ve got a few spares anyway’.