Under plans unveiled at a packed news conference the cull of cats will take place between the hours of after school and bed time in three pilot areas.
Year 9 boys will be authorised to roam in packs equipped with a range of humane killing methods. In two areas, Mr Pearson’s and Mr Ware’s class will be licensed to tie fireworks to cat’s tails or poke roaming cats up the arse with a sharpened bamboo cane. In a further pilot area, a population wide scheme will see Miss Wilcox’s class pick up stray cats and pop them in the nearest wheelie bin, building on an initial case study in Coventry.
A Government spokesman said: “We know that the Tibbles, Max and Socks of this world are capable of roaming across at least two back gardens in their hunt for stray insects and butterflies rampantly spreading M Bovis as they go. The cull will add to our scientific knowledge of whether it is at all possible to eradicate enough cats to stop the spread of TB. We are hoping it will be successful as previous schoolboy efforts such as blowing up frogs with a straw and then throwing them up in the air, hurling snails at the fat girls in infant school, or organising a hamfisted and pointless badger cull in the West Country.”