His Holiness Pope Francis was discovered in the early hours of this morning, rolling in the aisles of St Peter’s basilica. The alarm was raised after a nun, on a moonlit vigil, mistakenly heard what she thought to be a drunken vagrant, singing and laughing inside the locked church.
Sister Constanza immediately alerted Vatican Guards – who secured the perimeter of St Peter’s Square before gaining entry to St Peter’s via a rooftop drop from a helicopter.
‘Thank the Lord it was only a false alarm,’ reported Cardinal Kevin O’Mara later today. ‘His Holiness is asleep now. An innocent mistake has taken place, but the doctor says he should be well enough to conduct Mass on Sunday. I’m sorry to say, Pope Francis took Prince Philip at his word, when he secretly whispered in his ear that the Queen’s gift was Holy Windsor Mineral Water – which must traditionally be ‘downed in one’.