Criminals to police themselves


The government is to introduce self-policing for UK law breakers. Unveiling the radical new scheme, government spokesman, Maria Miller, explained; ‘The old saying is ‘it takes a thief to catch a thief’ and this measure is simply an extension of how Parliament itself works. That system has met with such universal approval from the British public, that it seemed logical to get people who continually try and avoid the police to police themselves in future.

The scheme, which has been launched to coincide with the beginning of the new avoiding-tax year, will involve muggers, burglars, car thieves and investment bankers being entrusted to ensure that no laws are breaking in the course of their law-breaking. The scheme is already reported to be working effectively. Last night a burglar was apprehended by another burglar in a South London street; both house-breakers were then required to immediately hand over their stolen goods to one another. Another criminal was caught stealing handbags and wallets in a central Birmingham pub and under guidelines set down by Maria Miller, was forced to mumble an insincere apology to fellow criminals for at least five seconds.

The criminals have been given a £2m grant to introduce the scheme, although at the time of writing, the current location of these funds was unclear. Speaking on behalf of Britain’s much criticized criminal community, Sam ‘Fingers’ Popper said ‘the British public have an unfairly negative image of criminals. In fact it’s just the small minority of burglars who give the majority a bad name. Words like ‘villain’, ‘crook’ and ‘gangster’ do nothing to help counter the prejudice that is shown towards people who are just trying to make a dishonest living.

The only group to have criticized the new scheme is the Police Federation. ‘It is absolutely ridiculous to allow criminals to regulate themselves in this manner,’ said a Met spokesman. ‘In fact I am so angry about it, I am going to beat up the next person I arrest, whether he is guilty or not. And then there will be an investigation into this alleged police assault, that will be carried out by the police.’

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Posted: Apr 6th, 2014 by

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