After decades of embezzlement, corruption and ‘world-class douchebaggery’, the House of Commons has managed to eliminate shame in all but extreme circumstances. While Culture Secretary Maria Miller had to be wrestled to the ground by Black Rod and sat upon by the Deputy Speaker in order to elicit the ‘mildest apology’, other MPs have confessed to not being ‘remotely mortified’ when caught ‘farting in a lift’, ‘masturbating in front of their parents’ or ‘voting for’ any Coalition policy.
Only the unexpectedly noisy act of defecation in a public bathroom stall has caused any self-reproach amongst this current crop of politicians. David Cameron freely admits to ‘forgetting’ Lib Dem Ministers’ names, Theresa May regularly ‘picks her nose’ in public and Michael Gove often refers to male teachers as ‘Dad’.
A spokeswoman for Mrs Miller’s has defended her expenses scandal and intimidation of the press by likening it to ‘mistaking a fat lady for being pregnant’. One Psychologist explained: ‘It’s a gradual deadening of the moral sense – like laughing at James Corden. Most MP’s have learnt to accept their skeleton in a cupboard. Even if that skeleton is wearing a gimp suit, with an orange stuffed in its mouth and George Osborne’s tax returns rammed up its boney arse’.
The scale of infamy, coupled with a lack of conscience is unrivalled. William Hague often ‘spits in the face’ of foreign dignitaries, Jeremy Hunt still gets his ‘best mate’ to buy his condoms and Philip Hammond ‘once touched a man’s winkie’ by accident in the gym. The House of Commons Committee on Standards has recently fined Mrs Miller £5,800, but has yet to work out the proportional disciplinary stance over Eric Pickles’ clogging of a friend’s toilet’.