As the final succulent drops of Maria Miller’s blood dripped from the salivating mouths of tabloid editors, staff from The Sun, Express and Daily Mail turned their lustful gaze towards their next victim.
Deputy Editor of the Sun, Chris Renfield, let out a satisfied belch as he got up off the newsroom floor having licked his bowl clean. ‘Bloody delicious,’ he burped. ‘Not vintage like Mandelson and Mellor but right up there with Peter Hain blood. Daft bitch got what she deserved. Right, what’s for afters!’
Daily Mail leader writer, Lucy Westenra, wiped blood from her lips and changed her bloodstained blouse before offering her opinion on Maria Miller. ‘I’ve drunk better,’ she moaned. ‘As blood goes that was worse than average plonk. Short on legs. Lacked aroma.’
Meanwhile sports journalists dribbled over today’s menu and agreed that a lunchtime pint of David Moyes’ blood would go down a treat.