Auto-industry admits ‘only the unicycle’ is safe

In a year that has seen General Motors (GM) recall 2.6m cars and Toyota 6.4m, there is a growing appreciation that the car is a glorified ‘casket on wheels’. Manufacturers have been forced to acknowledge that the only ‘fatality-free’ forms of transport are roller skates, space-hoppers and the ‘obligatory’ fireman’s lift.

With malfunctioning steering columns, air bags and engine starters, it is still unclear why so many automobile producers wanted to model their product ‘on a clown car’. This is particularly perplexing as other ‘circus-based modes of transport’ offer a much safer ride. Deaths by unicycle last year ‘were zero’, deaths by pogo stick – ‘ziltch’ and death by ‘riding on the back of a midget’ barely registered in the hundreds.

While it appears that the global car industry have compromised safety in pursuit of ‘more beverage holders’, at least unicycle manufacturers have continued to produce a ‘no thrills model’. The elimination of the ‘dangerous second wheel’ in the late 19th century did not quite ensure the same sale levels as the ‘horse-less carriage’ but it did make parking ‘easier’. A spokesman for GM said: ‘We always assumed four wheels good but we’re now reassessing. Which is why I’m please to announce our hybrid Uni-Cadillac for 2015. One wheel. One solar panel. No luggage…No friends’

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Posted: Apr 10th, 2014 by

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