Whitehall has agreed to allow G4S to bid for lucrative contracts again, on the condition that they ‘don’t make it too obvious’ when they’re defrauding the public purse of hundreds of millions of pounds.
At a press conference earlier today, a Treasury spokesman confirmed that a ‘gentlemen’s bargain’ had been struck, saying that ‘Ultimately, we know the private sector will always provide better value for money than our own bloated and befuddled ways. If we have to turn a blind eye to a few pens missing from the office, or bars of gold from the Bank of England, then that’s just the price we pay for the extraordinary expertise they bring in providing trained security guards for international events and tagging prisoners who are definitely alive and still under surveillance, rather than not really there at all, really.’
When confronted with the accusation that G4S were both criminal and useless, he went on to say, ‘Well, that may be true, but being in the private sector, they offer the kind of dynamism, energy and entrepreneurial spirit required to defraud the public purse in the most cost-efficient way possible and, if a cover up is required, we have full confidence in their ability to keep us completely in the dark about just how much we’ve been shafted.’
The ‘gentlemen’s agreement’ is the latest in a long saga of agreements with private sector firms to rip of the government on the quiet and generally laugh at them behind their backs. The most recent of these culminated in an enormous party at which rich stockbrokers fell about pissing themselves after having made millions from advising the government to sell them cheap shares in Royal Mail.
G4S CEO Ashley Almanza was unavailable for comment, as his office claimed that he was walking down Whitehall in a black and white hooped jersey, laughing demoniacally and carrying a large bag labelled ‘Swag’ over his shoulder.’