The NHS is failing to meet government targets to raise people from the dead according to a new report from the NHS watchdog Nicene.
The finding follows recent claims of long waiting times for people attending A&E hospital departments suffering from crucifixion related injuries.
A NHS spokesman said patients attending A&E with crucifixion injuries, such as falling from a cross or with nails embedded in their hands, were very demanding, even when sober.
‘They often claim they are the Son of God,’ the spokesman said, ‘which puts a strain on the NHS’s limited capacity for credulity.’
But Nicene said it was unacceptable that the NHS had only successfully raised one patient from the dead in over two thousand years.
‘We expect to see an improvement by Easter,’ the spokesman said. ‘After all, we’re not asking for miracles.’