Simon Cowell’s underpants set to rise 3ft by 2025

Experts at the University of Celebrity Studies say they have discovered a rare human phenomenon that could see Simon Cowell vanish from our screens and engulfed by his own underpants within the next 10 years, possibly sooner.

After first being drawn to Cowell’s sudden rise to fame in the early naughties, the scientific team from London, believe they have since observed countless uncanny resemblances between the popular impresario and the causes of climate change, and have subsequently branded the phenomenon ‘mogul warming’.

Lead researcher, Nicola Franklin explains; ‘Unlike most males of his age, Simon displays some alarming characteristics. His unnatural obsession with shaving his chest is remarkably similar to the deforestation of the Brazilian rain forests. And his spewing of noxious gases onto unsuspecting victims is akin to China’s carbon dioxide output. But most concerning of all is his ability at unleashing toxic pop acts into the public domain rather like a crop sprayer releases chemical fertiliser over a field of innocent barley.’

Despite many analysts concurring with the team’s findings, some predict the Britain’s Got Talent judge may completely disappear up his own arse much sooner.


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Posted: Apr 15th, 2014 by

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