As UK primary schools announce their allocated places, aspiring parents have been forced to make some tough decisions between living with the shame of an infant in an average OFSTED institution or to ‘cut their losses and run’.
Social services have observed a spiked increase in the number of Jacobs and Jemimas left outside orphanages with nothing but a small bowl of couscous, a Boden catalogue and a £20 M&S voucher.
Many have struggled with the dilemma of whether to accept the financial cost of moving to a new catchment area or to focus on a younger sibling – only retaining the older child for ‘future organ harvesting’. Parents agree that having invested ‘five good years’ into their infant, they would be ‘throwing good money after bad’ to stay committed to someone destined to have tattoos, credit card debt and who would think the MTV show ‘Teen Mom’ is a career’s advice documentary.
Within three weeks of attending a struggling school, the vast majority of children become ‘hardened criminals, obese and fans of Saturday night TV’. One educationalist commented: ‘Parents are legitimately concerned. It has been scientifically proven that the working-class carry the highly infectious stupidity gene. For most, the thought of your child making friends with a Kayden or a Courtney is too much to bear.’
It is estimated that more than 75,000 infants have missed out on their first option, which was to have ‘a meaningful life’, and will have to settle for their second option – poverty, regret and ‘brown food’. One concerned parent said: ‘Given the choice between a loft extension, having to move house or ditching the kid – it’s no choice at all. I only hope little Edgar will understand…wherever he is.’