A man living under a large rock in the middle of the Sahara desert with his eyes shut and fingers lodged in his ears has bemoaned the insufferable level of coverage about the Royal Family he has been exposed to. Speaking at a press conference with only the hide of a buffalo to preserve his modesty, the man explained that he could not give a ‘flying fiddle’ what Kate, William, and baby George we’re getting up to on their latest trip to New Zealand.
‘This onslaught of updates about the Royal family simply has to stop,’ said the incredibly hairy and unwashed man. ‘It’s Kate, Kate, Kate-flippin’ Kate. Did she wear a red or blue jacket today? I need to know how amazing you think she is today because I plan on vomiting out my own intestines at some stage.’
According to the man, his attempt to isolate himself from the world became futile once Kay Burley and several journalists from The Daily Mail learned that he was not up to date about Kate’s recent preganacy rumour, and allegedly stapled his eyelids to his forehead, forcing him to learn about Kate’s possible baby bump and how important this all is. ‘It was like that scene from Clockwork Orange,’ he explained. ‘Except I didn’t have the choice of staying in prison instead.’