London marathon runner, Nigel Mortimer, is celebrating this morning after raising £1m for the victims of crippling existential angst. Though its existence is disputed by some, existential angst is a debilitating condition that strikes men in their mid-to-late forties.
Sufferers report a variety of symptoms ranging from chronic self-absorption to horror at the futility of existence. Until recently Mortimer had worked as an IT specialist, but was fired from his position after discovering that existential angst is not an acceptable reason to call in sick.
Jean Paul Sartre, the most notable victim, was among the first to document a feeling of ‘nausea’, though this was later traced to the presence of an overhead extractor fan. Mortimer hopes the money raised will prevent victims from getting bound up in metaphysics. To-date, treatment options remain few and far between, but victims are encouraged to find a purpose or get a fucking grip of themselves.
‘The run was tough-going and after 16 miles I hit the existential pain barrier,’ said Mortimer. ‘By the time I’d reached The Mall I was staring into the abyss, but still managed to overtake Mo Farah.’
‘The stewards were nice, but they were asking the wrong sort of questions,’ he added. ‘How does ‘Would you like a cup of water?’ help a man in the grip of an existential crisis? Not to mention I had a terrible stitch.’
Although race organisers claim Mortimer’s life was never in danger, his setback is the surely the most serious since Brendan Foster suffered a bout of ‘ennui’ during the Great North Run.
Last night the 48 year-old insisted he was saved from certain suicide by embarking on a sleazy affair with his fourteen year-old daughter and then writing a novel about it. ‘Only by cocking a snook to societal norms was I able to declare myself truly free, ‘ Mortimer concluded. ‘Alternatively, you might want to try the eight hundred metre hurdles.’