Republican conspiracy theorists have reported bewilderment today after their persistent claims for documentary evidence of the President’s place of birth were answered by a birth certificate confirming that Barack Obama was born neither in Hawaii or Kenya, but in a stable in Bethlehem.
‘This leaves us in a bit of a fix,’ admitted leading right-wing sceptic Donald Trump. ‘On the one hand we know once and for all that Obama is not a natural-born citizen of the United States and is ineligible for the presidency. But on the other he is the human incarnation of Almighty God, and that’s likely to play pretty well among our church-going grass-roots supporters. Even so, you show me where in the Bible it says that these healthcare reforms are the divine will of God.’
The copy of Obama’s ‘long form’ birth certificate provides conclusive proof that he was born in a manger in the Holy land on 25 December to parents Mary and Joseph. It is signed by the attending shepherds, witnessed by three wise men and carries the official stamp of the Judean authorities.
‘It’s difficult to know how to proceed,’ continued Trump. ‘We could oust the President on the grounds that he was not born in the US, but then he could smite us where we stand and damn us for all eternity. In hindsight, I can’t believe the founding fathers didn’t specify in the Constitution that the Commander-in-Chief’s mother can’t be a virgin or his father the deity of a major world religion.’
Disillusioned by Obama’s seemingly infallible status, some birthers are now turning their attention to questioning the credentials of other famous authority figures. ‘I think this Jesus guy maybe wasn’t all he claimed,’ said one. ‘Firstly, I’d argue that the King of the Jews lost his citizenship when his family fled to Egypt. And secondly, he was almost certainly a Muslim. Look, we found this birth certificate for Jesus Hussein Christ.’
27th April 2011