Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who was recently sentenced to a year’s community service for tax fraud, has found work inseminating a giant panda at Edinburgh zoo, following failed attempts to mate her with a male panda. The zoo and the 77-year-old billionaire’s lawyers said that they were satisfied that the ruling was a win-win, allowing him to remain both politically and sexually active.
‘Tian Tian’s hormone levels had been falling drastically and at first she spurned his advances, but this didn’t deter Mr Berlusconi in the least,’ said Charles Osborne, director of breeding at Edinburgh. ‘He used all his experience and charm to woo her successfully and, fingers crossed, we hope to be able to announce shortly that she is expecting, er, something.’
Osborne declined to comment on speculation that Berlusconi was tricked into taking part in the ‘banga-panda’ party by dressing Tian Tian up as a teenage girl or that the whole episode was filmed by staff from behind a two-way mirror in order to make him feel more at home. However, it has emerged that a school uniform covered in unidentified orange stains was found discarded in a skip nearby shortly afterwards.
Although the news has provoked widespread revulsion in some quarters, Italian authorities have defended their decision to allow Berlusconi to cross-breed with animals. The only realistic alternative, they pointed out, was requiring him to spend the year cleaning out old peoples’ homes and the risks involved in ‘that’ kind of community service were simply too great.
‘The Italian people want justice, but they don’t want to expose their frail grannies to the stresses of lingering bed baths, being manipulated into investing their life savings in the complete Silvio Berlusconi CD collection, or, worse still, being unable to watch any TV channel not owned by Ol’ Gropey,’ said a spokesman for the Ministry of Justice. ‘And frankly, I also can’t help wondering if his anti-immigration laws and rejection of the right to die weren’t all part of his long-term scheme to inundate care homes with white, wrinkled lovelies.’
Mitt Walters and Wrenfoe