An ashen-faced Grim Reaper was led sobbing from Goodison Park, scythe in hand, after straying dangerously close to David Moyes during a match which the Manchester United manager later called ‘the finest performance during my long tenure’. Moyes’s former club Everton won 2-0 despite having less possession, due to a cunning trick of scoring two more goals than United.
‘It was meant to be a supportive gesture,’ said the Reaper. ‘I held the blade close to his face simply to remind him what silverware looked like. But it backfired spectacularly when I smelled the stench of decay. I start my new job as a lollipop man a week on Monday.’ As he left the ground, the Reaper was jeered by a group of children chanting ‘You’re getting sacked in the morning’.