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British Transport Police given ‘stop and spray’ powers of deodorisation

police finally doing something popularUnder newly granted powers of deodorisation, Chief Constable Andrew Trotter has announced, British Transport Police officers will be equipped with industrial strength deodorant and empowered to ‘stop and spray’ malodorous passengers across the country’s rail network.

In addition, BTP officers patrolling the London Underground will be able to call upon the services of an elite Rapid Rinse Unit. These specialist cleansing officers are to be armed with high pressure washers and military grade carbolic soap and – when dealing with the most odoriferous and noxious commuters – will also be authorised to administer summary power showers.

‘The onset of summer traditionally heralds a network-wide rise in reports of grievous bodily odour and unprovoked attacks on the nasal passages of innocent passengers,’ explained Trotter. ‘Enabling my officers to tackle the problem of questionable personal hygiene armpit-on, will lead to a significant reduction in the number of stench-related incidents.’

The Chief Constable added that he was glad that the BTP managed to introduce these counter-reek measures before the weather gets too much warmer and armpits too much riper, despite a setback during an earlier pilot conducted on South West Trains. This had to be cut short after two BTP officers were seriously injured when a mix-up involving the standard issue pepper spray led to one attempting to subdue a particularly violent drunk with a can of Lynx Africa and being trampled by a horde of sex-crazed women in bikinis.

Some human rights campaigners labelled the move as a serious infringement of their civil liberties, but Trotter has dismissed such claims. ‘With their penchant for ineffectual natural cosmetics, animal-friendly plastic footwear and fair-trade mung bean-induced flatulence, these hippy liberals are exactly the sort of repeat offenders my officers will be targeting,’ he said.

Following the BTP’s lead, the Metropolitan Police are also looking to introduce similar powers ahead of next month’s May Day Protests. A spokesman for the Met said: ‘We’re currently fitting shower gel dispensers to our fleet of water cannons, which, if nothing else, will at least make kettling the hoards of soap dodging dog-on-a string types a far more pleasant experience for all involved.’

Hat tip to Midfield Diamond

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Posted: Apr 25th, 2014 by AdrianJ

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