Stephen Bath, a 44 year old Office Manager from Watford was astonished to find that a Tesco Metro Store had opened for business in his ear canal. After waking from a deep sleep suddenly by the sound of beeping checkouts and crashing shopping baskets Stephen frantically searched around for the source of the cacophony before glancing in the mirror and noticing the signage and shop front attached to his ear lobe.
Mr Bath immediately confronted the manager who appeared very sympathetic even offering him £250 of vouchers as he was the first customer. He said business had been brisk so far but was expecting trade to pick up when Stephen left the house.
Mr Bath is now seeking legal advice but has admitted that he’s in two minds. ‘I always get to hear of the bargains first and obviously popping down the shops is a lot easier than it used to be but it does have its down sides as well’ he said ’Towards the end of the day at work I get a long queue by my desk of people wanting to pick up a few items for tea and asking me what the opening hours are’.
Stephens biggest concern is the effect on his body of having a small supermarket attached to it, a health issue that is becoming more common in the UK with Tesco committed to opening a new store every 5 minutes.
Dr Vijay Kandar a Health practitioner for 20 years has confirmed that the local hospitals have seen huge rises in Tesco related injuries stating ‘In recent months we have seen a large amount of people being admitted to the A&E departments with all manner of ailments, usually through interaction with a Tesco Store.’
‘People are falling over them, walking into them and injuring themselves trying to move them out of the way or remove them from orifices. We understand that there was a massive storm last week in Birmingham where a couple of stores were blown onto the M6 and a retired couple were mown down by an HGV in the tinned foods aisle as they were picking up some 2 for 1 Baked Beans. The government needs to step in now’
When asked about rumours that a gentleman was considering having a Tesco concession grafted onto the end of his knob a spokesman shrugged his shoulders and replied ‘Every little helps’