A Panorama investigation has revealed that the diminutive Formula 1 boss has been cunningly concealing his age (83) by only appearing in public as a wrinkled child, with an anaemic Harry Styles hair piece and a series of elegant models to breastfeed him.
‘Master Ecclestone’ paid less than 1% (£10m) of the monies due to HMRC by claiming that he only had a ‘Saturday paper round’, ‘a £5 book voucher from his Nan at Xmas’ and could easily provide receipts for over one billion copies of the Beano, deductible against his gross income as legitimate expenses.
By setting up a series of trust funds, itsy-bitsy Ecclestone was able to siphon off non-taxed funds in the form of ‘pocket money’ from his ‘much older’ ex-wife. For much of the late 90s, the pint-sized Ecclestone adopted the persona of a cub scout, during which time he declared income and massive expenses from ‘bob a job week’ for a period of 2307623 years.
The miserly Lilliputian is currently on trial in Munich for bribery charges but will only be able to attend if his ‘secondary school runs an exchange programme this year,’ his lawyer explained. ‘On paper he’s the fifth richest person in the UK but most that is just monopoly money. People have suggested he’s run Formula 1 for 40 years but they’ve clearly got confused by the scalextric kit in his bedroom. He’s just a kid. It’s a stage he’s going through. And it really is long past his bedtime.’