Confusion continues to mount about Britain’s religious status after theological experts extrapolated data to show that the country could be “mostly satanist”, possibly by as soon as Thursday.
‘Less than a fortnight ago, we were a Christian country,’ said one theology researcher. ‘The latest we have is a clear and verifiable argument which suggests we are now ‘post-Christian’, so if we plot the rate of change on a graph and extend it a bit we can see that, by Thursday, shifting sociological trends and the pace of modern life will have transformed the faith of the country once more and we’ll all be worshipping Lucifer.’
But the research shows an even more worrying trend, the researchers revealed. ‘Taken to its extreme, we pass through to a yet worse, post-satanist state to a new and hideous conclusion where we are all in thrall to a dark, charismatic, even more demonic being. Our results show this could happen as early as…. er, when does X-Factor start again?’