Vladimir Putin is said to be ‘tight-lipped’ today after Western intelligence sources indicated that the Russian build-up of troops in the Crimea has been undermined by logistical difficulties in the ‘hat department’.
A spokesman from the UN Security Council stated that Putin’s forces have been, in many cases, reliant on balaclavas knitted by their nanas. Due to a shortage many have simply been poking eyeholes in tea cosies. Ukranian authorities complained yesterday that pro-Russian activists have opened fire on their supporters after ‘an unfortunate fit of the giggles’ when confronted with knitted chicken wattles and furry pompoms.
The NSA have issued a statement confirming that a communiqué intercepted earlier this week, apparently goading a brigade commander that he ‘looked a twat in that hat’, was in fact transmitted by a Russian station. Moscow is being accused of deliberately inciting violence to further destabilise the region.
Amid deepening concerns, the US has taken the unusual step of releasing satellite imagery of troops over the Russian border pulling the dust-covers off nuclear warheads and chalking, ‘my hat may look gay but you will still be ugly in the morning. And dead. Comrade.’