Pub-going men up and down the country have stated clearly today that meat is only acceptable to eat if it’s basted in thick orangey grease, impaled on a large rotating metal spike, and is of ‘questionable origin’. Tensions have recently heightened across the UK after some men claimed that their local kebab shops simply ‘haven’t been doing enough’ to accommodate their culinary requirements, and have felt the need to make clear definitions on how their meat should be prepared.
‘It must absolutely not come into contact with any salad whatsoever’, explained one takeaway regular from Coventry. ‘If a kebab shaving touches anything green, it effectively becomes inedible: You might as well just throw it on the pavement or leave it on your neighbour’s garden wall’.
Many have also stressed the importance around which sauces can and can’t accompany their meat trimmings and pita. Tony Edwards from Bath said: ‘Garlic chilli sauce, providing it’s stored in a large unlabelled bottle and applied generously by a man from Turkey, is fine. However, taking the doner meat home and adding some “dressing” you bought in Waitrose simply won’t do. Those who attempt this should be publicly punished in some way’.
Kebab shop owner Mulayim Akbulut, who claims to have always respected and accommodated the culinary traditions of his local customers, said: ‘I always prepare the kebabs in a way that makes my customers feel comfortable, including handling all food with no gloves and basting the ‘elephant leg’ with the same brush I use to paint the walls. The customer is always right after all’.
He added: ‘I’ve decided to go one step further for my customers and will ensure that all the meat I purchase comes from animals that have been killed in a very specific way . Once we discover what animal this is I’ll get straight on it’.