While scientists at Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) have computer generated the evolution of the Universe, George Osborne’s ‘vacuous noggin’ has managed replicate the precise terminus of life as we know it. By following through to the logical conclusion of Coalition economic policy, the Chancellor is able to accurately predict the ensuing violence, social unrest and Zombie apocalypse to come.
So empty is Mr. Osborne’s cranium, that it absorbs all light, hope and evidence of tax evasion. Although MIT’s model shows how galaxies formed around clumps of dark matter, Osborne’s simulation shows how the Tory manifesto forms around ‘clumps of s@*t’. Physicists still refer to a mysterious force called ‘dark energy’ but Cabinet colleagues simply call it ‘Michael Gove’.
An international team of researchers hope to use Mr. Osborne’s hollow braincase to simulate zero-gravity, the atmosphere of a Miranda Hart studio audience and a rudimentary maraca. A similar experiment was undertaken last year to replicate the origin of life involving a petri dish, twelve feet of industrial hose and the scrapings from Boris Johnson’s underwear. A spokesman for MIT’s Dr Mark Vogelsberger admitted: ‘Re-creating the Big Bang is one thing, but Mr. Osborne’s thought process brings new meaning to word fatalism. While nature abhors a vacuum, I’m pretty sure she also has a strong dislike for George’.