Following the success of the UK Independence Party in many local elections where they gained huge numbers of seats, often without candidates setting out what they intend to do about the wide spectrum of issues confronting the electorate, or even turning up, the party insists it has listened to the public and intends to find some really good policies, and pretty damned soon.
UKIP insists that in the finest traditions of British commerce ever since the glorious 1950’s, that of course will mean ignoring the best that the British policy industry can offer and catching the first plane to China to source them at a fraction of the cost.
‘Keeping policy making in the UK has been verging on impossible for some time now – we had become lazy and simply couldn’t come up with anything new,’ said newly appointed UKIP party spokesman Xin Jian. ‘But our friends in Guangdong have shown superb policy work ethic and now hold greater academic credibility than our onshore source of crude populism. Working conditions there, fairly good by Chinese standards, rest assure. Success!’ added Nigel Farage.
British voters have mixed feelings on the subject. Floating voter Reginald Evergreen, 54, from Lincolnshire said that it made perfect sense as everything else in his house was made in China, so why shouldn’t his electoral future be bought from a country which is ‘streets ahead’ when it comes to immigration? His wife Raquel, 23, said that she votes UKIP and so is not in a position to make an informed judgement on the matter at this particular point in time.
So far, the Chinese policy-making unit has come up with a number of suggestions that have found favour with UKIP chiefs, including ingrained suspicion of anything foreign, strict and arbitary residence rules, knocking down town centres and replacing them with concrete, capital punishment for petty theft and having the country ruled entirely by bitter old men who think the world has gone to pot ever since Gracie Fields retired.
‘We have found it harder to sell them the idea of a one-child policy,’ admitted Xin Jian. ‘Though in the case of the average UKIP member, that would seem to be an academic point.’
atters (outsourced to Oxbridge)