Senior backbencher Sir Peregrine Hawker has defended his expenses claim for £3400 to have a diamond-encrusted trough installed in the garden of his second home. ‘I have to have something to stick my nose in,’ he told reporters; ‘It is an essential part of an MP’s work.’
The Speaker of the House of Commons confirmed that, under the present rules the claim for the top-of-the-range trough from Harrods was within the rules, as was Sir Peregrine’s claim for £560 travel expenses relating to an actual train made of gravy. ‘How else am I expected to visit my constituency from my London flat in Easy Street?’ fumed the irate MP. ‘The parts for my private helicopter have still not come through – although I have of course already recouped the cost of them on my accountant’s advice.’
Amongst the other items claimed by Sir Peregrine were a special oven for cooking books, an electronic biscuit-taker, £270 for an overnight stay in a hotel whilst attending a course in nest-feathering, £95 for a passport in the name of Riley, and £135 miscellaneous expenses incurred ‘because I can.’ Other MPs have been criticized after claiming for both having their cake and for eating it.
In a separate development, it has been ruled that taxpayers are now allowed to use MPs’ swimming pools since it was them who paid for them in the first place. Queues of young families clutching towels and inflatables have been forming at the private homes of Members of Parliament. Parents are reported to be more relaxed than usual on the rule that their children should leave the pool to go to the toilet; ‘The MPs been taking the piss for so long, it only seems fair that our kids should put a little bit back.’
(Thanks to Evilsuperstar for punchline)