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Duke and Duchess of Cambridge fail to mate, say keepers

duty calls, no-one answersScientists working at Kensington Palace have announced the mating window of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge has closed after the pair failed to conceive, despite several romantic encounters in a specially constructed royal ‘love tunnel’.

Efforts are continuing to encourage the shy, adorable pair to mate for what is thought to be the second time. In 2013 the female Kate-Kate gave birth to a single male offspring so impossibly cute that even its mother was sick for three months beforehand, but royal conservationists agree that this is not necessarily enough to guarantee the survival of the species Monarchia windsorica in the long term.

The couple had just 36 hours to procreate again before Kate-Kate became unreceptive, with the final meeting between the pair occurring last night, attended by both Professor Robert Winston and Peter Stringfellow. It had been expected that the two would have another attempt today, though tests revealed that the Duchess’s hormone levels had dropped, leading to her watching The One Show and eating pizza while the heir to the throne read a book on polo. The couple have since been returned to their separate enclosures.

During the week they had shown signs of attraction to each other on several occasions, with Kate-Kate feigning interest in her husband’s collection of African masks, and the couple were later spotted discussing charity work by press and tourists watching from a special viewing platform.

‘They showed encouraging signs, with the Duke appearing to mount the Duchess,’ a spokesman for the Palace told us, ‘though it was later found that they had merely been wrestling over the TV remote.’

Palace staff are already working with Russell Brand to construct a specially adapted kilt for the prince, in order for mating to proceed at just a few minutes notice if and when the opportunity arises.

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Posted: May 15th, 2014 by Adrian Bamforth

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