Though Glib Advisor’s voice recognition software is only 80 per cent accurate, this is irrelevant as its main function is to listen to the first few words of any conversation before telling you what you ought to be doing.
An unemployed man in his mid 50s, in a depressed industrial area, for example, could benefit from Glib Advisor’s manly counselling. “Sell your house, move the family to London, and get a job in Silicon Roundabout as a digital marketing consultant. You’re sorted,” Glib Advisor will tell anyone seeking solace from their handset. “Don’t worry, the kids will soon make new friends.”
Glib Advisor comes with a database of anecdotes about uncontactable acquaintances who’ve been in your situation and triumphed – unlike you, you loser. Though details of how they achieved this will remain sketchy and often implausible, these urban myths are sufficient to make Glib Advisor the leader in its field of manly counselling.
Should the Glib Advisor continue its initial success, it is hoped that a female equivalent will soon follow into the marketplace. “The ‘BFF’ will strenuously support every decision a female downloader puts to it, with a whole memory packed full of supportive phrases including ‘you’re so brave’, ‘if he can’t see it, that’s his bad’ and ‘you go girl’,” explained the software developer.
“But once the decision has irrevocably been made, the app will connect via Bluetooth to the all other phones in the vicinity and remark how obviously irrational and stupid the life choices of its owner have become – and incidentally, she should avoid strong winds lest her new bingo wings carry her to Belgium and beyond.”
Inventor Gerry Absalom answered critics who said Glib Advisor is not a good listener. “Since when did that matter,” he told a press conference, “you wanna grown some balls. Then you might get a better job than being a bloody journalist.”
28th May 2011