Zoo keepers, veterinarians and ‘sandal-wearing libertarians’ were left mourning the loss of the world’s last remaining ‘Greater-spectacled Oakeshott’. The ‘Oakeshott’ had been cared for in the House of Lords’ wildlife refuge since May 2000, but had failed to find a left-wing breeding partner among the elderly peers. One scientist described him as a ‘beautiful specimen…with a lovely side parting, chip on his shoulder and a fetish for a penny on income tax’.
Other Lib Dems had survived in the wild by cross-breeding with Conservatives, but their abominable offspring were deemed ‘too unsightly’ by the electorate and were soon culled in the European elections. Meanwhile the ‘Oakeshott’ was forced to hide in ‘the long grass’ and eat political scraps for fear some Tory beast might pounce. Unfortunately, in his weakened state, the toothless ‘Oakeshott’ was unable to fend off an assault by a small, tenacious rodent – known as the ‘Yellow-bellied Clegg’.
Zoo scientists will now turn their energies to the rapidly deteriorating ‘Lesser-spotted klutz’ or ‘Dozy Miliband’ as it is often referred to. Likened to the giant panda for his lack of self-preservation, the ‘Dozy Miliband’, is infamous for his high-pitched nasal twang, eating his siblings and trying to mate with any member of the electorate ‘with a pulse’.
Currently Westminster is fearful of being over-run by a plague of UKIP councilors or ‘Kippers’. These ‘Kippers’ will burrow into any constituency, nesting in torn up strips of the Daily Mail and happily surviving on a diet of their leader’s own excrement. Sadly the remains of ‘Oakeshott’ will be stuffed and put on display at party headquarters, in Great George Street, next to the pickled remains of Charles Kennedy.