After the latest ruling under the new crowd-sourced sentencing system, Gwyneth Paltrow faces six months’ front line service in Afghanistan’s Helmand province for carelessly using an analogy that used war to describe the feeling of dehumanisation after receiving insults online. The actress, 41, is to receive no military training and will be patrolling tracks riddled with improvised explosive devices and engaging jihadists in deadly combat, armed only with a plate of hummus and an annoying personality.
The new global legislation was designed to penalise celebrities who use exaggerated hyperbole, analogies and metaphors by making them actually experience the scenarios they claim to have experienced. Comments on social media in response to any such faux pas are gathered by police and the most popular punishment is delivered by a magistrate after a vote on Twitter. Attention is now shifting to Charlize Theron, who is awaiting trial for a flippant comment about being ‘raped’ by paparazzi that could see her locked in a cell with convicted sex offenders.
The hearings have sparked fears among the self-absorbed famous in Hollywood, where rumours that British actor Gerard Butler has been complaining about the heat have prompted a campaign to have him extradited to Brunei. Meanwhile in Ocala, Florida, John Travolta’s misjudgement of his own appetite could see him force-fed to a horse.
However, loopholes in the system have led to instances of revenge prosecutions from the celebrity community. In a dramatic turn of events that some have described as tit-for-tat finger-pointing, an aspiring young rapper from Lewisham, who was on record at exaggerating how much money he has, is to be moved into a £4 million mansion and given a butler.
The lack of clarity surrounding crowd-sourced sentencing remains a contentious issue. Liberals warn that some may be abusing the system by grossly exaggerating people’s comments in order to expedite prosecution and encourage harsher penalties. Justice Secretary Chris Grayling was unable for comment as he is currently being held in a back room at Berlin’s Berghain nightclub, after stating in 2010 that gay couples attempting to book rooms at B&Bs are likely to molest the landlord.