Veterans, historians and girls with retainers are united today in marking 1D-Day a day of remembrance for ‘our boys’ struggle to overcome lacklustre hair, no musical ability and the Nazi occupation of France. Former groupies, internet trolls and serving members of the armed forces all paid their respect for the loss of melodies, the death of legible tattoos and remembered just how many ears had paid the ultimate sacrifice.
One Direction’s assault on mainland Europe back in 2010 was codenamed Operation Make a Quick Buck Before One of Us Starts Looking Fat. A spokesman for the Queen said: ‘It is important that we take this time to reflect upon the smell of Harry Styles, the kissableness of Harry Styles and the manner in which Mr Styles will become the father of my child. A solitary bugle is scheduled to play a short tribute to the hits of One Direction, which will be an extended rasping noise not dissimilar to blowing through the arse of a mallard duck … oh and something else 70 years ago, blah blah blah.’
In the months leading up to the invasion General Simon Cowell conducted a series of musical deceptions, codename ‘Lonely Cat Lady’, to mislead the press as to his true intentions. This involved floating Susan Boyle off the coast of Normandy, to give the impression that something much more tuneful was coming their way.
It was quickly followed by a full-on chart assault, supplemented by an extensive airwave bombardment and a shitstorm on Twitter. One Direction managed to survive heavy fire from rock fans but there were some inevitable casualties among balding, middle-aged men called Steve Brookstein.
The fourth annual commemoration of 1D-Day will see teenagers throwing underwear at a series of memorial statues dedicated to the themes of simplistic chord structures, low self-esteem and ‘all things 1Derful’. As one military historian explained: ‘To put things into perspective – 12,000 allied servicemen died in Normandy 70 years ago but Harry had some nasty split ends when 1D first formed. We need to remember – thanks to One Direction, young Europeans can grow up without the threat of German Thrash Metal. So let’s roll a big fat one and move on.’