An influential group of leading political and cultural thinkers, including Richard Branson and Kofi Annan, has called for the worldwide legalisation of all drugs after an epic ‘mash-up’ at the Virgin mogul’s mansion. The conference was called so that former world leaders and influential industrialists could see what all the fuss is about by trying out the illicit substances for themselves and then giving their opinions on what should be done to tackle the global problem.
Addressing the world’s press through the letterbox of his Oxfordshire residence, Mr Branson called for a rethink of current ‘ineffectivididual’ drugs policies and asked if someone wouldn’t mind popping down to the garage to get ‘some of those crisps in the big green packet’.
Clearly emotional by this point in the late evening, Branson complimented nature for the awesome sunset before turning to issues of global concern; ‘It’s just all so f*cked up man,’ he said earnestly, ‘I mean, it’s just not working. How did it all get so f*cked up? All this. It’s like. just leave it alone y’know? Just don’t blame yourself. Whatever you do like, f*ck, don’t blame yourself. Woooahha!’
As an uncontrollable fit of giggling overwhelmed him, Mr Branson handed control with a gentle raspberry to Former UN Secretary Gentleman Mr Comfy Annanan whom it’s believed had been sticking primarily to cocaine throughout the all-nighter, and was understandably more upbeat. The usually gentle Ghanaian attacked the global policy on drugs, pissed on the pot plants, said; ‘it’s really hot in here, is it hot in here? It is isn’t it? It’s really hot in here,’ then threatened to bite the knackers off anyone who disagreed with him, which he assured reporters was entirely possible as he could no longer feel his teeth.
Opposition to the proposal came from tea-total White House drug tsar Gil Kerlikowske who claimed that drugs addle peoples’ minds and lead to incomprehensible and delusional thoughts and deeds, adding ‘may the Lord strike down they who deviate from his path of righteousness with mighty thunderbolts from holy purple clouds and condemn them to the fiery incest pools of hell. Praise Him!’
An invitation to further ‘talks’ on the issue at the house of ‘some guy Kofi knows’ was rejected by David Cameron although No. 10 has confirmed that Nick Clegg would ‘definitely be up for it’. Early speculation of a new business venture called VirginNarcotic based on the sale of legalised Bolivian cocaine was dismissed by Mr Branson as pure ‘Pffffffffffffffft!’
(hat-tip to Vertically Challenged Giant)